Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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