I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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