I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
