my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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