from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
