I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
3 2 1 whiskey
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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