my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
