I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
