we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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