people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Boobs speak an international language.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
