'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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