Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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