i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
