Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
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I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
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She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos