woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.