I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny