saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
