It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
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also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
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Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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