So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
