I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
