our cab driver is having phone sex.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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