We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
