Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
