Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
