Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
