I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
