She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
