the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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