I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize