ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
