Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
