So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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