Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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