He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
