she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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