my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
