i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
