Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
