just survived the first fart of the relationship.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
