God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
