Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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