Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
