Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
