Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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