clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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