what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
