if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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