turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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