His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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