I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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