she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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