yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
