I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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