I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
