Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
