my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize