Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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