If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
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I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
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You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize