Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
