I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
